Classy Ways to Say Shit

Because sometimes we need a manual to help translate strongly worded reactions into something less provocative.

Instead of...	Say...
I told you so.	- This was identified early on as a likely outcome. - As anticipated, this aligns with previous predictions. - This was not only foreseeable, but also foreseen. - Glad we had initially explored this possibility. - As was documented in [documents], this outcome, which could have been easily avoided, was inevitable. - I mentioned this once before.
Fuck around and find out.	You may test that assumption at your convenience.
- I took a while but you can deal. - Sorry for the delay.	Thanks for your patience.
- I know what I'm doing. - I think we should do [action]	It would be best if [action].
Where the fuck are we on this?	When can I expect an update?
- My schedule matters too. - What works best for you?	Could you do [time]?
Wording is hard.	It would be easier to discuss this in person.
Sorry for the error.	Nice catch! Updated [things]. Thanks for letting me know!
- Did you understand that? - Hope that makes sense.	Let me know if you have questions.
I have an appointment.	I will need to leave for [thing] at [time].
No fucking way.	I'm not certain that's feasible.
You've got to be shitting me.	Really?
Tell someone who gives a fuck.	Perhaps you should check with [people].
Not my problem.	I was not involved with the project.
What the fuck.	Interesting behavior.
It won't work.	I'm not certain we can implement this.
- Who cares. - I don't care.	- Are you sure this is a problem? - I don't think this will be a problem.
Kiss my ass.	So you'd like my help with it.
They are stupid.	- They are not familiar with the process. - They are confused.
Who died and made you boss?	- I'm going to have to check with [immediate supervisor] before I can promise to take on that. - What did [immediate supervisor] say when you told them you were going to assign this to me?
What the fuck do they want from me	Did they provide any details about exactly what changes they wanted?
You should have told me sooner.	If I had known about this request [earlier], I could have [done it already / on the requested timeline], but as it is I can't promise to complete it until [date].